The last two days in our world has been like a destructive tornado. At the end of any disaster there is always a rainbow of magnificent colours in which is something to always treasure. It has been a while since I have been able to come on and blog because this tornado has been coming and going for the last few weeks/months.. But I CAN see the rainbow..! The change is here and I'm embracing it wholeheartedly!
Monday found us having a developmental assessment for Master J. I had a few niggling concerns about his progress, and it was confirmed by others when they too saw my thoughts.
The assessment has put us on the Early Intervention Train which will be departing for us in a short while. This is nothing new to me, as I have spent the last four years on this train with Master L. I'm positive about the whole situation.. its just a little daunting. But I've always strived to do anything for my children.. And I will ensure they have the best life ahead of them as possible.
We then travelled to Sydney that afternoon as Master L was scheduled in the next day for an EEG. A Sleep Deprivation one at that. (He was suppose to sleep during the test.. pfft yeah right). I had canceled and rescheduled this appointment many times due to the anxiety and stress I my self was going through over it.
Monday afternoon saw us doing a quick grocery shop with a very close friend of mine, E, and the boys. Things were going as normal.. Until we got into Woolworths. Master L decided he would spend the entire trip on the floor, in a heap, screaming and refusing to move, walk or do anything asked of him. By the time we got to the check out, he was over my shoulder kicking and screaming. I was done. I was just thankful Master J was behaving. Master L wanted to go and play on the merry go round just short of 3 meters away from the check out. I allowed this because I could imagine how boring this trip would be at that point. I turned my face for a few seconds after watching him mount the horse only to turn back and he was gone. He wasn't anywhere near or around the merry go round.. Just disappeared. Of course the search started. I was glad for a few things at this point.
1. E was with me.
2. It was a smallish shopping centre
3. Jesse was still being an angel.
We found him just around the corner at a toy stand holding the owners hand. She explained she had kept him with her knowing someone would be looking for him. Time lapse would have been no more then ten minutes. The tip of the "Missing" emotion was only just beginning.
Tuesday was a new day.. And after keeping Master L up till 1am.. (He was beyond tired but he was very well behaved and I was very proud of him during the night). He was rather on edge during the morning, and leading up to the test. I had so much doubt. I felt sick. I too was sleep deprived and I was feeling it. The test was 45 minutes plus time for prep and cleaning. Jesse was being minded by a nurse who in the end told me was the best baby she has ever seen. He made all the patients and staff they visited smile and laugh, was well behaved and was a gem for her. I was very very thankful for that.
Master L struggled during the electrode placement, but calmed down and actually laid down and didn't move the whole test except to play with the cars and dinosaurs and even then it was just moving his head slightly. I was the proudest mother at that moment! I told him he would get a surprise, a reward for being so good... A 50c ice cream from McDonalds.
I had to quickly pop into Westfields for about ten minutes on my way back to E's house after the test. I had decided to just get Master J in the pram and Master L could walk as he still had his ice cream. The shop I needed was just inside the door to where I had parked. So I just took the kids, pram and wallet. Left everything else including my phone in the car.
As we walked inside and I greated the lady. After a few minutes, I cleaned up Master L as he had finished his ice cream.. And as i turned back to the lady....Master L took off. I called him to come back, he turned, yelled something like "I'm just looking" and went around a corner. I asked the lady who was dealing with me to just watch Master J in his pram and I went the five meters to the corner to get Master L.
Just like yesterday.... He was gone. Disappeared off the face of the earth. No where to be seen. Except this time I was alone, with no phone, in a much much larger shopping centre and i knew Master L was way over being sleep deprived! This was not a good mix. I kept checking back on the lady and Master J while continuing going around this particular part of the centre in circles, hoping I would see him.
By this stage I had tears welling in my eyes. I know this child so well. I don't blame him for doing what he did. Anyone who understands Autism would understand that child such as Master L needed his "own world" after doing so well in ours during the test. He was tired, there was no reasoning, he was simply gone.. In his own Autistic world. I don't know what it felt like for him. Did he even notice the people around him .. what was around him or what he was doing? Sadly he doesn't understand safety and anything could have happened to him.
The lady at the shop had called security and I was greeted by them on my fourth trip past the shop. I did the usual. Burst into tears. I couldn't believe it. Second day in a row. The questions, scenarios and usual self doubt flooded my mind.
I gave his description. Showed a photo and explained he can't communicate and was Autistic. Beside all this, I felt like a fool that I didn't tell them his name. Regardless, if they found him they would have to use his name to address him. Something so simple yet it was the furthest thing from my mind at the
time because all I could think of was him and how hard this must be for him.
Security around the centre were on alert. By this stage fifteen minutes had passed. He was sighted 5 minutes earlier leaving through the fire exit about ten meters away! I missed him! I didn't see him! I was beside myself! Ashleigh you idiot!
I asked where the exit led and was told it leads on to a loading dock. My heart stopped. Nothing worse then being in such a huge centre.. But to then be outside.. In the cold an wet, with cars and ignorant drivers and..... I was floored. A guard went looking after the call and another told me to start walking with him around the centre. We started in Coles. Every aisle. Every door, shelf and box. A second call came through asking if he was wearing black pants.
No...? Not if he went shopping for himself or was planning an identity change to escape completly.
Five minutes later while still in Coles.. Third call came through. We headed down to the middle of the centre, in Kmart. I don't think I was breathing. If i was, i dont remember. I was dying to see my child, my son and hoped with everything it was him when I did.
As we pulled around the corner after entering Kmart.. A guard was smiling down an aisle and calling "him". I walked around the corner into the aisle and saw my son riding a bike. He was not fazed. Not scared and had no care in the world. Of course my first reaction was to scream and yell and tell him to never do that again. But something else came over me. I was crying but I was calm. I asked him to pack the bike away and told him we were going home. After a stop in the toilet and a walk to the car.. Over an hour later.. We were on the road back to E's. I don't need to explain how I was feeling at this stage. I was stretched, Exhausted and numb. I don't know how I got through it all. I was done.
Missing is a horrible word. It signifys so much and these last two days that word has been an emotion for me. When you have children.. Everything changes. You become so much more protective. Like a mother lion. Actually... That's what I felt like. Sad but if something had happened to my son.. Nothing would have stopped me. From what...? I don't know.. We never got to that point. And I never want to even go near that again.
Master L has gone "Missing" before.. But I guess when one door closes another opens. I had taken all precautions for our home environment to be secure. He had escaped out our front door two years ago. Since then it's like fortknox. I can only control so much out side these doors though... And I guess these so called "open doors" have taught me one to a few lessons these days.
So now... Both children are strapped. It has been an interesting day at the shops today.. But at least no one went "Missing". That door has officially closed!
~ A ~ xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment