Professor Penis?

Our lives are very unique.. Very odd.. A mixed bag you could say. We don't have it all, yet.. but it feels like it. Or rather.. you could say "When it rains.. IT POURS". 

It was Mr M's last night before work (After having two weeks holidays) and of course its never smooth sailing. (But is anything?) I feel really awful when the nights are hard and he lacks sleep. Its never easy for me and I'm often left feeling isolated and worried. I know too well what the lack of sleep can cause, and I'm not in a "work force" as such. Don't get me wrong.. i do work. Rather hard. Its just not classified as working. I don't earn money, have a boss, entitled to holidays, sick days or have a certificate for every job i do (Cleaner, Maid, Doctor, Nurse, Gardener, Garbage Man, Cook... etc). But i know the feeling of sleep deprivation. I feel sick every time Mr M goes to work like this because accidents can happen. I guess I've just grown accustomed to it; but its still not easy. It comes with the job description of "Parent".

Last night, both boys decided it was a great night to be up and down. Crying, sick; Master L, at 2am decided it was time to watch TV and to his dismay "It wasn't working"... (Children's programs were not showing). I ended up spending the night in front of the fire with Master J in my arms and Master L on the beanbags with every blanket he could physically drag off his bed. 

Master J has his second bout of Bronchitis in a month. I despise this as much as gastro. Every time he coughs, what ever is in his stomach is brought back up. Including water. This time I'm more prepared and there wasn't to be a trip to the hospital. At least not for this issue. 

Morning came, Mr M had left and Master L had already gotten him self ready and dressed for school. I decided when i woke up that i was buying some heaters for their rooms this morning because the wood fire we have just isn't big enough to heat the whole house and no vapouriser was cutting it. So before we left to take Master L to school, i got Master J ready and during his nappy change i noticed something i had never come across before and i had absolutely no idea what to do. 

Master J's penis was rather enlarged. Red, swollen and very sore to touch. He had a wet nappy.. the normal type after a full night. But this one also had discharge. I was totally stumped. Thrush? UTI? Jeepers... What on earth do you do with a penis????? 

Hello??? Penis? Scrotum?.... I am clearly a female and have been for almost 27 years.. THIS was a whole new beginning. Delving into something i was hoping i would never have to go through.. except when they are teenagers and i have to give the birds and the bees talk and a packet of rubber doodle covers (also known as Condoms)... I was WAY over my head in thinking that having Boys was easy. Give me a girl any day.

Id decided that i was already taking Master J to the Dr's to get a certificate for school, and that id ask then. Hours had passed, Master J was more and more miserable as the day went on, and he was starting to refuse to sit or open his legs.

Time came for the appointment and after the general check of things, i showed him the nappy from the morning and he asked to check Master J's penis out. Upon examination, Master J's penis decided to give a little more then this morning and the Dr told me to head to the hospital. By this stage i was mortified. Also confused and totally unprepared.

Long story short, and after some funny man jokes by the male nurses directed to Master J (Something along the lines of.. "Alright buddy, lets get you in and well check out your penis first and get you all fixed up and raring to go.. ). I guess there is one thing i cant add to my list of Job specifications and that's "Professor of Penis". The Doctor who saw to Master J pretty much made me rather inadequate for lack of knowledge for the specific scientific sentences he was spewing out of his mouth. (There is a whole lot of scientific technical jargon on the discharge paper.. If your interested.. Look up Balasitis on Dr Google.. Apparently this infection can just "show up" over night.. at least as a female.. we get a little warning and can prepare for the next month). What i did understand was that Master J has a very tiny opening, and that the glands on the head produce a secretion and when urinating, it all gets stuck and builds up to cause an infection. (Such a girly way to put all that hey...). If it happens again (Which i know is the more likely thing to happen)... we are looking at a Circumcision. The Doctor then informed me that it is a rather painful procedure to have. Excuse me for being female right now.. But wouldn't it be much more easier to just get rid of the cause of infection then have him go through it over and over again? Maybe I'm just simple.. and Yes i know that the foreskin is their to protect and adds extra sensitivity.. but health wise.. ??

Master L has NEVER had a problem with his ever. Which is why i guess this was all such a shock to my system. Master L is a MASTER of his own. He has created such a wonderful master piece and often shows me to my disgust at the time.. but i know from the very beginning Master L did not have what Master J has.. this tiny opening. This i think is the main cause of issue here. 

Master J was given a oral antibiotic which he is refusing to have and panadol... and i have the lovely job of being Dr/Nurse for the week and have to help "Bathe" his poor penis twice a day. It will be fine in a few days.

I love being a Mum. Honestly.. its the best job in the world. Its full of wonder, awe, magic, and all the butterflies and pink icing.. and then Penis. And when i say...If it doesn't rain.. It's Penis. Sorry.. Pours, i mean it :) (Note: Sarcasm inserted in above sentence)
 

Now.. on to some much cleaner news for the week.. :p

Master L has been given a placement for Early Intervention at a school twice a week, and Master J starts his Early Intervention tomorrow. Its all happening in this household, but I'm excited to see the changes that i know all too well WILL be coming along with it. Master L will be the big 5 in just over a week and i have organised a party to celebrate. He has come in leaps and bounds and can now answer questions, hold a conversation (even if some things i cant quiet understand).. and is starting to sing the alphabet. Last week both boys came home with head lice from school. (Again i was stumped). Best thing to do.. shave their heads. Both boys handled the entire situation remarkably. I broke my heart to watch Master J's golden locks falling, but i know it will grow back in time. (Don't even get me started on my own head lice treatment.. :z)
Both Master J and Master L love music, and i love watching them dance together in the kitchen, or the car, or anywhere where music is playing. Music is the key to the soul. It can tell a lot about someone. How they are feeling, thinking..

Master J is also coming along really well but has also had his "few steps back". Its only natural, but i can see so much potential in these boys. I will never give up on them and will continue to do everything i psychically can to ensure they have the best start and path in life. 

Yes.. we have some serious downs and i often wonder Why?.. but the Up's outweigh all of this. We have love, happiness and we have each other. Nothing and no one else matters. Its all just a bonus. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don't.. but if you lose those three things (love, happiness and each other).. what do you have?

TNT

~ A ~ xxx




 

Toy Sale Spectacular = Sleep Deprivation

Two years ago when it was only Master L in my world, I took out my first Toy Sale layby at Kmart. It truly is a brilliant idea! What's better then sale items and being able to layby and pay them off six months before you need them! Unless you have a six figure income, which I didn't.. It saved me from having the rush at Christmas time. 

On the second year of doing that layby with Kmart, I was sadly turned off it all thanks to the line up at a warehouse when picking it up. No one tells you that you have to wait for four hours, outside in the burning sun. Ex-H and Master L were waiting in the car. We had started doing tag team for waiting in the line which worked well until Ex-H didn't answer his phone on one particular occasion. I just assumed he was busy in the car with Master L. I tried a few times after and maybe fifteen minutes later I asked the people behind me to wait as I was just "going to the car quickly.. The one just there".. And I pointed about thirty meters away. 

As I approached the car, leaned in the passengers window.. Ex-H had fallen asleep and was snoring. I yelled out at him a few times and he didn't budge. Until I got in the car and shook him awake. Master L was awake and chirpy in his seat in the back (window was down thank god)... I was SO angry! Ex-H was well aware of that. 

This really turned me off the whole layby thing. Completely. Much rather grab a few things a couple of weeks out of Christmas then risk my son getting heat stroke or worse. 

The following year I didn't do a layby. But this year.. I was talked into it. I was shown how "ok" it was and the benefits of it. I now also have two beautiful monkeys and being they are a little older a few things appealed to me. So I took a chance and bit the bullet. And it was a first for me to go to one at Midnight. 

So E and I headed out to Carnes Hill. It was the Big W Toy Sale this time. Not Kmart. And the best thing is you don't have to wait for a particular date to get it all out.. You can do it anytime up until Christmas Eve. And still pay it off with my deposit. I was pretty happy when I found out this information! 

I don't know if we were more excited about the fact that Gloria Jeans was open at Midnight (One night only for the Toy Sale Opening)... Or that there wasn't that many people as I had first thought there would be! I thought it would be pouring with people, fighting over toys, and running everywhere. But it was relatively calm. It was a bit cramped in some aisles but nothing too major. I myself was pretty excited. I wasn't having my own Autistic moments.. Phew! 

As we were shopping.. It really didn't dawn on me the time lapse. I never looked at my phone but when I did.. It was 2am. E and I were having fun. The type of fun adults should be able to have without children. I wouldn't dare think about what my experience would have been like had I needed to take the children. 

After the layby line up, and finally getting home around 3.30am, and waking feeling worse for wear... 

Was it really worth it? 

Yes. Yes because I had "time out". I enjoyed myself, even found my self laughing and having a good time playing with all the cool toys. I was feeling like a little kid again! 

Will the boys appreciate it? Probably not. Would I do it again? Most defiantly! 

Children in general create sleep deprived parents. Toy Sales is just the icing on the cake. You just can't eat this cake... Or the Children! 

~ A ~ 

xxxxx

Through the Missing Glass Door...

The word "Missing" varies in so many ways... "Missing Someone".. "Missing my bed"... "Missing the pink nail polish".. And so forth. Really.. "Missing" is actually as much a feeling as it is an action. And both are rather strong. 

The last two days in our world has been like a destructive tornado. At the end of any disaster there is always a rainbow of magnificent colours in which is something to always treasure. It has been a while since I have been able to come on and blog because this tornado has been coming and going for the last few weeks/months.. But I CAN see the rainbow..! The change is here and I'm embracing it wholeheartedly! 

Monday found us having a developmental assessment for Master J. I had a few niggling concerns about his progress, and it was confirmed by others when they too saw my thoughts. 

The assessment has put us on the Early Intervention Train which will be departing for us in a short while. This is nothing new to me, as I have spent the last four years on this train with Master L. I'm positive about the whole situation.. its just a little daunting. But I've always strived to do anything for my children.. And I will ensure they have the best life ahead of them as possible. 

We then travelled to Sydney that afternoon as Master L was scheduled in the next day for an EEG. A Sleep Deprivation one at that. (He was suppose to sleep during the test.. pfft yeah right). I had canceled and rescheduled this appointment many times due to the anxiety and stress I my self was going through over it. 

Monday afternoon saw us doing a quick grocery shop with a very close friend of mine, E, and the boys. Things were going as normal.. Until we got into Woolworths. Master L decided he would spend the entire trip on the floor, in a heap, screaming and refusing to move, walk or do anything asked of him. By the time we got to the check out, he was over my shoulder kicking and screaming. I was done. I was just thankful Master J was behaving. Master L wanted to go and play on the merry go round just short of 3 meters away from the check out. I allowed this because I could imagine how boring this trip would be at that point. I turned my face for a few seconds after watching him mount the horse only to turn back and he was gone. He wasn't anywhere near or around the merry go round.. Just disappeared. Of course the search started. I was glad for a few things at this point. 

1. E was with me. 

2. It was a smallish shopping centre

3. Jesse was still being an angel. 

We found him just around the corner at a toy stand holding the owners hand. She explained she had kept him with her knowing someone would be looking for him. Time lapse would have been no more then ten minutes. The tip of the "Missing" emotion was only just beginning.

Tuesday was a new day.. And after keeping Master L up till 1am.. (He was beyond tired but he was very well behaved and I was very proud of him during the night). He was rather on edge during the morning, and leading up to the test. I had so much doubt. I felt sick. I too was sleep deprived and I was feeling it. The test was 45 minutes plus time for prep and cleaning. Jesse was being minded by a nurse who in the end told me was the best baby she has ever seen. He made all the patients and staff they visited smile and laugh, was well behaved and was a gem for her. I was very very thankful for that. 

Master L struggled during the electrode placement, but calmed down and actually laid down and didn't move the whole test except to play with the cars and dinosaurs and even then it was just moving his head slightly. I was the proudest mother at that moment! I told him he would get a surprise, a reward for being so good... A 50c ice cream from McDonalds.

I had to quickly pop into Westfields for about ten minutes on my way back to E's house after the test. I had decided to just get Master J in the pram and Master L could walk as he still had his ice cream. The shop I needed was just inside the door to where I had parked. So I just took the kids, pram and wallet. Left everything else including my phone in the car. 

As we walked inside and I greated the lady. After a few minutes, I cleaned up Master L as he had finished his ice cream.. And as i turned back to the lady....Master L took off. I called him to come back, he turned, yelled something like "I'm just looking" and went around a corner. I asked the lady who was dealing with me to just watch Master J in his pram and I went the five meters to the corner to get Master L. 

Just like yesterday.... He was gone. Disappeared off the face of the earth. No where to be seen. Except this time I was alone, with no phone, in a much much larger shopping centre and i knew Master L was way over being sleep deprived! This was not a good mix. I kept checking back on the lady and Master J while continuing going around this particular part of the centre in circles, hoping I would see him. 

By this stage I had tears welling in my eyes. I know this child so well. I don't blame him for doing what he did. Anyone who understands Autism would understand that child such as Master L needed his "own world" after doing so well in ours during the test. He was tired, there was no reasoning, he was simply gone.. In his own Autistic world. I don't know what it felt like for him. Did he even notice the people around him .. what was around him or what he was doing? Sadly he doesn't understand safety and anything could have happened to him. 

The lady at the shop had called security and I was greeted by them on my fourth trip past the shop. I did the usual. Burst into tears. I couldn't believe it. Second day in a row. The questions, scenarios and usual self doubt flooded my mind. 

I gave his description. Showed a photo and explained he can't communicate and  was Autistic. Beside all this, I felt like a fool that I didn't tell them his name. Regardless, if they found him they would have to use his name to address him. Something so simple yet it was the furthest thing from my mind at the 

time because all I could think of was him and how hard this must be for him. 

Security around the centre were on alert. By this stage fifteen minutes had passed. He was sighted 5 minutes earlier leaving through the fire exit about ten meters away! I missed him! I didn't see him! I was beside myself! Ashleigh you idiot! 

I asked where the exit led and was told it leads on to a loading dock. My heart stopped. Nothing worse then being in such a huge centre.. But to then be outside.. In the cold an wet, with cars and ignorant drivers and..... I was floored. A guard went looking after the call and another told me to start walking with him around the centre. We started in Coles. Every aisle. Every door, shelf and box. A second call came through asking if he was wearing black pants. 

No...? Not if he went shopping for himself or was planning an identity change to escape completly. 

Five minutes later while still in Coles.. Third call came through. We headed down to the middle of the centre, in Kmart. I don't think I was breathing. If i was, i dont remember. I was dying to see my child, my son and hoped with everything it was him when I did. 

As we pulled around the corner after entering Kmart.. A guard was smiling down an aisle and calling "him". I walked around the corner into the aisle and saw my son riding a bike. He was not fazed. Not scared and had no care in the world. Of course my first reaction was to scream and yell and tell him to never do that again. But something else came over me. I was crying but I was calm. I asked him to pack the bike away and told him we were going home. After a stop in the toilet and a walk to the car.. Over an hour later.. We were on the road back to E's. I don't need to explain how I was feeling at this stage. I was stretched, Exhausted and numb. I don't know how I got through it all. I was done. 

Missing is a horrible word. It signifys so much and these last two days that word has been an emotion for me. When you have children.. Everything changes. You become so much more protective. Like a mother lion. Actually... That's what I felt like. Sad but if something had happened to my son.. Nothing would have stopped me. From what...? I don't know.. We never got to that point. And I never want to even go near that again. 

Master L has gone "Missing" before.. But I guess when one door closes another opens. I had taken all precautions for our home environment to be secure. He had escaped out our front door two years ago. Since then it's like fortknox. I can only control so much out side these doors though... And I guess these so called "open doors" have taught me one to a few lessons these days. 

So now... Both children are strapped. It has been an interesting day at the shops today.. But at least no one went "Missing". That door has officially closed! 

~ A ~ xxx

Fairytales do come true...

Once upon a time, in a time not so far from the now lived a Woman. This woman had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. At random times she would turn into a Cyclops. Others, she was just a plain mid 20s woman. Her name was Fionashleigh. She lived in a little unit opposite Newington Towers, locked away and chased here by the Shadow Keeper. She was very unhappy. Her bright eyes were often dull and her smile was nailed shut.

Her evil mother had started giving her rashions after her placement but then stopped visiting completely. Fionashleigh's tower was too far away from anyone she loved for her to feel safe and secure. Supported. So she was locked away in her unitower, with nothing but a window which opened out into the world around her. The scary world she knew nothing about anymore. 

Fionashleigh lived with her two children, Rumplachskin and Jessethumb. Rumplachskin was the hardest to handle at times, and Fionashleigh would often cry in desperation at what she could do with her poor Rumplachskin. Jessethumb was growing into his own person by the day, but was learning some bad behaviors from Rumplachskin. The world wasn't Fionashleigh's oyster anymore. The world they all lived in was dark and gloomy and just like most days, their eyes would shed the tears of the sky. She would brush her long hair out her window and watch the broken ends break off and fly into the air.. the stress was overbearing. There was no golden hair-ladder to climb up on. Anyone who tried would fall tho their death.
When the children would wake in the morning, Fionashleigh often felt like sleeping for a thousand years but her little dwarfs made sure she didn't. They loved Fionashleigh and Fionashleigh loved them just as much in return. She would save them from the Dragon in the Kitchen so to speak. It was her job and a job she loved and wouldn't change for the world.

One day, a few days before Shadow Keepers heartless decision, Fionashleigh was visited by a young handsome man. He had traveled many miles in his mighty steedofacar Reginald, in search of a woman. He had traveled across towns and borders, Countries even and so this time was different. This mans name was Prince Matting.

It was love at first sight. 

The day came where Prince Matting had to return back to his Castle. Distraught they both were and the tears flowed. The children had found someone to bond with. Share their interests with and someone who could give them the love the Shadow Keeper couldn't. Prince Matting vowed to return one day and rescue Fionashleigh, Rumplachskin and Jessethumb from their Tower, and give them a life outside the window. The Dream that will come true.

To be Continued...

So yes.. Fairytales DO come true. It wasn't until today, when saying our goodbyes that it dawned on me that by chance i was living my own fairytale by no fault of my own. I feel locked away, broken, used, hurt and betrayed.. and the last few days with Mr M have been the best of my life. I have never laughed so much, never had the pains in my heart and the longing to hope he would be here on my return from being out. He is slowly repairing all that pain.. the broken heart i never thought would ever be the same again. And for that.. I thank him. For that.. I love him. For what he has shown to my boys.. its priceless. Something i don't think he or anyone could fully understand.

If you too, sat back and really took in your situation where ever you are, who ever you are with and what ever wonderful gifts each day brings.. you will also see your fairytale. All it takes is a little believing.. <3 Try it! x

TNT

A xxx

Bacon and Eggs...

Not so much a breakfast in bed moment... Rather the enjoyment of being cooked breakfast and having a different view of my kitchen!

Mr M, the boys and I travelled back home yesterday after our camping trip down in the caves out of Goulburn. Don't ask the name of the cave structure.. I was already having trouble pronouncing most of the towns but it started with W! :)

Our first big day there was Saturday. We took the boys on a bush walk with Aunty M, K and L.. Uncle D And Mrs L and E. It took us down and up mountain faces, goat track paths, into amazing cave structure... With a pram. And L. Everyone was such an amazing help. L had his moments of sheer exhaustion, as did everyone else.. But he did it and finally we all got back home relatively unscathed! I am so proud of everything we achieved and thankful for everyone's help and understanding but mostly proud of L for the strength and determination he put in even though he just couldn't chuff anymore . Reminds me of the "I think I can I think I can I think I can"... He probably thought he couldn't but he did.

Saturday night found the children sleeping and the group of us relaxing by the fire telling jokes and enjoying our last night.

Easter bunny visited Sunday morning and both boys loved it. L understood it this year. Easter was saved by Mr M who refreshed the supply after a sad and shameful melting moment in the back of the car. Soon after we packed up and headed off. I spent the afternoon having my first ride of a ride-on-lawn mower and it was SO MUCH FUN! Mr M fixed my car for me while the boys enjoyed having a snack and watching the world around them.. (Mummy zipping around on the mower and waving at every pass by and Mr M under a car - L's prime).

We managed to get back to my place around the 10pm mark. The boys were so well behaved on the trip back. We arrived back to a monstrosity of our home. Poor max was starving and there was "Mess" everywhere. (Wont go into the gruesome details... But it was bad... Worse then bad). I didn't finish cleaning till 1.30 this morning. Not the best coming home welcome.

And so today brings us to Bacon and Eggs. The best breakfast since sliced bread. Actually.. The best view since the observatory! :)

After a stressful and daunting weekend.. Mr M is still here. Cooking breakfast...! Don't think anything could wipe the smile off my face!

TNT

A xxx

Distance is measured in...?

What is distance? How can it be measured? Kilometers? Miles? String? Footsteps? Impact you/someone has on you? Is it for a good reason, or for a bad one? How do you know... Can you be so sure?

The saying.. "I'd fight for my children".. "I'd climb mountains for the one I love".. Is it just a saying as such or has someone actually completed this for it to be true.

Or "If you love something, let it go and if it comes back it was meant to be".. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".. As far as I can see.. These sayings can rather contradict themselves..

All I know is that regardless of any struggles, mountains, trouble.. Good times and bad.. If you try.. You can't fail.

Mr M fell into my life and swept me off my feet. He has continued to do this from day one and I do love him. I have never felt this way for anyone besides my boys before. He has taken my life and heart in his hands and is mending the pieces. Just by sheer coincidence he felt the same way by no forced input on my behalf. Just by being myself.

He lives three hours away. I can't stand being apart from him. I've done the drive twice in a week.. Bit difficult with the boys.. But I'm just glad they are good travelers.

Currently we are camping. A HUGE step for the boys. This is new. And it's a first for us to have a little holiday and to get away. It's been beautiful here.. The boys aren't coping too well though.
I'm rather torn as to just packing up and heading home or staying and hoping it gets a bit better. It's all a learning experience. But it's this first full time experience with the boys and L's A that has my chest pain etching it's way back in and my anxiety peaking.

They are a huge "baggage" for someone to take on. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. Can't process it all but all I know is I love him. And I couldn't live my life without him. But again.. It's his decision.

Distance can't be measured. M7 no longer have KM readings on your next destination rather they have time. Time can't even measure your distance because it depends on the terrain and the reason your traveling that distance. Either way... If you want something so bad.. Never give up. Keep fighting, keep trying and don't let it go. No distance, no negative input, no mountain and defiantly no barrier... To something that makes you happy. Everyone deserves that happiness in any form or venture. Whether it be a job, a house, garden, clothing choice... Anything... <3
*Let something be free... If it comes back.. It was meant to be!*

Verdict??...

Exactly as i expected. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Yesterday was rather bitter sweet. I couldn't bring myself to write after it all yesterday and today is a new day with a new future!

I can only talk about the outcome. Nothing in between.

Outcome:
* Full parental responsibility to me
* Only to contact (insert name here) in case of a major medical emergency
* (Insert name here) will contact me if he wants to see the boys

I tried. I gave options. Final decision was not mine. I guess you can paint that picture yourself. It was a picture I had already painted five months ago.. Actually well before that.

Now... We can move on. Without anything holding us back. The boys will be given every opportunity to live a life full of love and happiness.. Ill be making sure I do everything in my power to ensure that.

Lachlan already knew this was coming. Unbeknown to me. Jesse was "babbling" "Daddaddad" the other night.. And for the first time without any prompting or reminding from me L turned to J and said "No.. no no, no Daddad. All gone. Dad all gone". This is all I've ever told him and jJ. The only words I've ever said. And for the first time before a decision was made.. He already knew. He recognizes his "Father" in pictures.. J wouldn't have any idea who he is.

The new path starts now. Finality was given yesterday. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with. I'm glad it's not me.

TNT

A xxx