Bacon and Eggs...

Not so much a breakfast in bed moment... Rather the enjoyment of being cooked breakfast and having a different view of my kitchen!

Mr M, the boys and I travelled back home yesterday after our camping trip down in the caves out of Goulburn. Don't ask the name of the cave structure.. I was already having trouble pronouncing most of the towns but it started with W! :)

Our first big day there was Saturday. We took the boys on a bush walk with Aunty M, K and L.. Uncle D And Mrs L and E. It took us down and up mountain faces, goat track paths, into amazing cave structure... With a pram. And L. Everyone was such an amazing help. L had his moments of sheer exhaustion, as did everyone else.. But he did it and finally we all got back home relatively unscathed! I am so proud of everything we achieved and thankful for everyone's help and understanding but mostly proud of L for the strength and determination he put in even though he just couldn't chuff anymore . Reminds me of the "I think I can I think I can I think I can"... He probably thought he couldn't but he did.

Saturday night found the children sleeping and the group of us relaxing by the fire telling jokes and enjoying our last night.

Easter bunny visited Sunday morning and both boys loved it. L understood it this year. Easter was saved by Mr M who refreshed the supply after a sad and shameful melting moment in the back of the car. Soon after we packed up and headed off. I spent the afternoon having my first ride of a ride-on-lawn mower and it was SO MUCH FUN! Mr M fixed my car for me while the boys enjoyed having a snack and watching the world around them.. (Mummy zipping around on the mower and waving at every pass by and Mr M under a car - L's prime).

We managed to get back to my place around the 10pm mark. The boys were so well behaved on the trip back. We arrived back to a monstrosity of our home. Poor max was starving and there was "Mess" everywhere. (Wont go into the gruesome details... But it was bad... Worse then bad). I didn't finish cleaning till 1.30 this morning. Not the best coming home welcome.

And so today brings us to Bacon and Eggs. The best breakfast since sliced bread. Actually.. The best view since the observatory! :)

After a stressful and daunting weekend.. Mr M is still here. Cooking breakfast...! Don't think anything could wipe the smile off my face!

TNT

A xxx

Distance is measured in...?

What is distance? How can it be measured? Kilometers? Miles? String? Footsteps? Impact you/someone has on you? Is it for a good reason, or for a bad one? How do you know... Can you be so sure?

The saying.. "I'd fight for my children".. "I'd climb mountains for the one I love".. Is it just a saying as such or has someone actually completed this for it to be true.

Or "If you love something, let it go and if it comes back it was meant to be".. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".. As far as I can see.. These sayings can rather contradict themselves..

All I know is that regardless of any struggles, mountains, trouble.. Good times and bad.. If you try.. You can't fail.

Mr M fell into my life and swept me off my feet. He has continued to do this from day one and I do love him. I have never felt this way for anyone besides my boys before. He has taken my life and heart in his hands and is mending the pieces. Just by sheer coincidence he felt the same way by no forced input on my behalf. Just by being myself.

He lives three hours away. I can't stand being apart from him. I've done the drive twice in a week.. Bit difficult with the boys.. But I'm just glad they are good travelers.

Currently we are camping. A HUGE step for the boys. This is new. And it's a first for us to have a little holiday and to get away. It's been beautiful here.. The boys aren't coping too well though.
I'm rather torn as to just packing up and heading home or staying and hoping it gets a bit better. It's all a learning experience. But it's this first full time experience with the boys and L's A that has my chest pain etching it's way back in and my anxiety peaking.

They are a huge "baggage" for someone to take on. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. Can't process it all but all I know is I love him. And I couldn't live my life without him. But again.. It's his decision.

Distance can't be measured. M7 no longer have KM readings on your next destination rather they have time. Time can't even measure your distance because it depends on the terrain and the reason your traveling that distance. Either way... If you want something so bad.. Never give up. Keep fighting, keep trying and don't let it go. No distance, no negative input, no mountain and defiantly no barrier... To something that makes you happy. Everyone deserves that happiness in any form or venture. Whether it be a job, a house, garden, clothing choice... Anything... <3
*Let something be free... If it comes back.. It was meant to be!*

Verdict??...

Exactly as i expected. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Yesterday was rather bitter sweet. I couldn't bring myself to write after it all yesterday and today is a new day with a new future!

I can only talk about the outcome. Nothing in between.

Outcome:
* Full parental responsibility to me
* Only to contact (insert name here) in case of a major medical emergency
* (Insert name here) will contact me if he wants to see the boys

I tried. I gave options. Final decision was not mine. I guess you can paint that picture yourself. It was a picture I had already painted five months ago.. Actually well before that.

Now... We can move on. Without anything holding us back. The boys will be given every opportunity to live a life full of love and happiness.. Ill be making sure I do everything in my power to ensure that.

Lachlan already knew this was coming. Unbeknown to me. Jesse was "babbling" "Daddaddad" the other night.. And for the first time without any prompting or reminding from me L turned to J and said "No.. no no, no Daddad. All gone. Dad all gone". This is all I've ever told him and jJ. The only words I've ever said. And for the first time before a decision was made.. He already knew. He recognizes his "Father" in pictures.. J wouldn't have any idea who he is.

The new path starts now. Finality was given yesterday. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with. I'm glad it's not me.

TNT

A xxx

It's all about the chickren...

And it always has.. For me anyway!

This is what I got told today in less then those words during my briefing. I have no problem what so ever about it being about the boys. But I have a problem when it comes to responsibility.

If I gave you a frozen chicken.... Would you know what to do with it? (I know a few people that couldn't.. Simply). Of course you would put it in the freezer and get it out for another time. But if that frozen chicken, lets say.. Needed to be medicated twice a day.. Be taken out of that freezer a few times for it to survive as a frozen chicken.. And maybe you would hear it having a ice attack a few times while it was in the cold box... Would you freak out? Would you deal with it? (Yes yes... I can imagine what your picturing here and it is funny... And life is meant to be funny.. Otherwise we would be dead)..

This is what my fears are. I've had this frozen chicken for years now. Battles the cold and the heat, ups and downs, appointments to numerous special chicken doctors... Alone. Ok... Maybe three times.. Or no more then counting on one hand!

So how could I feel passing on this responsibility to someone who really has no idea... What a frozen chicken actually is?? Especially one that requires all this extra "stuffing"!

This is what I will be planning on over the weekend. The best strategy for Chicken to see Rooster because he (has/needs/wants/made)..to.

Poor J doesn't even know this Rooster! If I was placed in someone I hardly knows arms... I'd freak the hell out.

Maybe this won't be so bad.. Maybe all of this is just worse case... But I do know that it's not a usual situation so there will be changes made and it won't be any standard arrangement. It's about the children.

TNT

A xxxx

Digging up the dirt....y Emotions!

Received a call today. From my Solicitor. It starts now.

The day/s, weeks and months I had put behind me, the pain and anguish I had to endure and the mess I had to pull the boys out of and get them back on the normality train.. Has just derailed and come crashing to a stop on the side of the dark tunnel I was hoping to see the light at the end of somewhere soon.

Currently, the only light I can see is the one from a broken headlight off the train, reflecting off the wall of the tunnel casting shadows.. Of a figure I never want to see or hear from again. The thing only nightmares are made of.

Yes.. You can say it's mean.. But what's mean is the path the three of us have been put on five and a half months ago. That's mean. BUT... I honestly can't say I'm not happy. I am. It's been hard.. More hard then I ever thought I could ever go through. And I never.. Never ever ever ever want to go through it again. Ever. Full stop. The End.

But I am happy. Things happened in the last five months that I never dreamed would or could ever happen. I have a very large family, not blood related.. Passion related. My Tupperware Family. Without these people in the last five months I would never have found my true self. What I really could be and what I mean to be apart of something and the universe. They were there the night the world crumbled and I stood on stage with my two men and cried. I was being promoted. To a position I worked hard for, my team worked hard for. Never thought I could do it. But my "Family" had faith in me. And it's a faith and friendship I will never forget or leave behind.
I also have an amazing group of friends.. Ones who will stick by me.. And are there, no matter what craziness I throw at them. Two of my closest stayed with me recently. The Dangerfield's. (Yes.. This is their name.. And yes they are super heroes.. Without capes..although I'm sure if required they would develop one of such nature)..
Whilst walking through the shops the other day.. Mrs E said a few heartfelt words to me.. And it drew me to tears. "I admire you."
This is my life I replied. And although its been tough... Think of a "burnt to a crisp steak".. Tougher then that... But we have gotten through. Mrs E and Mr C are the brother and sister I don't have.
There is also Miss L.. Or Miss Moscato is her better name.. She grounds me.. And for that I love her.
Miss S.. Has given me back something lost many years ago. And I'm so glad to have it back again. x
I also have the other wonderful friends that support me. As I do for them, as much as I can. I do feel like a terrible friend at the best of times.. But those that know me, know I have a heart of gold.. And would do anything for anyone.

We have had a huge five months of change.. The boys of changed.. Growing up and the smiles grow wider each day. L is now officially a NRL Football Player (God I'm so proud.. stuff you special needs.. My boy can do anything).. He also toilet trained himself!
J is talking more, becoming his own little person.. Growing up and one day soon hopefully walking. But my boys are loved by me and by everyone. And that's all they need. Love.

So even though its been tough.. The positive most defiantly out way the negatives. And even though I have been sitting here in my room crying my eyes out having to go through old information and diaries of a life that was.. Come tomorrow.. Life will change again. I will pick myself up and show the shadow I'm not afraid.. And I haven't been for a long time.. But not being afraid doesn't mean I no longer have feelings. Because my feelings hurt.. But the love and support around me give me more then the shadow ever did or thought it took.

Bring it on!

TNT

A xxxx

Your voice is so.. Texty!

What is happening to society these days? Has the time past where letters in the mail, calling on the phone to talk to your friends or loved ones till you fall asleep.. Really gone?
My concern comes from Social sites and dating websites where communication has become nothing but simply sitting behind a smart device such as a phone or a computer making it easy to "chat" to other people anywhere in the country or the world right from where your sitting, laying, dozing or showering.

There is no voice, maybe a random photo of a person who could very well be fake or photoshopped.. And written words of randomness.

Take a dating site for example. Nothing in particular although there are a few. Now you spend hours creating a profile about yourself, your likes and dislikes, you post a photo and write a bio of yourself. Someone reads it, likes it and you start chatting. You could chat for weeks, months even.. Then maybe you might exchange phone numbers.... Only to continue texting!!??????

The saying I have always lived by is "Actions speak louder then words".. But texting and emailing can only be so much before people crave the closeness and comfort of a voice in their ear. I don't see a smart phone or a mac computer with extendable hands to reach out and give one a hug when we are feeling blue. But is that the next thing to come out?

I want to hear my friends voices.. Actually laugh and hear them laughing.. None of this LOL or Haha, HeHe.. PMSL or ROTFL.. I want to actually catch up with my friends and see them, hang out with them.. Bond with them. Is that too much to ask?

Texting, Emailing, Chatting are simple quick alternatives allowing people to hide behind something. It's what allows online bullies and bullying to continue to evolve. I sure know that if anyone put a threat out there to "meet someone" to "fight" face to face.. It wouldn't be accepted. So why do it in the first place.

I hate having text conversations. Simple ones I don't mind.. But stories and chatting long term make my thumbs sore and the temptation to "text and drive", say, more elevated!

I don't know why society and modern tech had made it quiet so easy. I know I for one am much more traditional and would prefer to be sitting at a BBQ or over a few drinks chatting with my friends.

When I pass away... Can someone please make sure my mobile is with me.. Id like to "text home" once in a while to make sure everyone knows I'm ok.

TNT

A xxx

Charlie.... Lola?

So.. the last few days have been rather turbulent to say the least.. I have much to write about but i think i want to write about something i have been trying to put into words in my own head before trying to put it into yours... 

The other night.. as all nights happen.. While preparing L for bed he had asked for the Charlie and Lola book to be read that night. Now, i have read this book countless times.. to the point where i can read it with my eyes closed. (And L can read it himself). But it never had occurred to me until the other night that just maybe.. Could it be true.. Oh My Gosh.. No way.. 

Lola.. Has a "Little A"....??? Ill explain why.. 

The book we read is called "I am not sleepy and i will not go to bed".. (It even comes with a FREE wall frieze :/ )..

"I have this little sister Lola. She is small and very funny. Sometimes I have to keep an eye on her. Sometimes mum and dad ask me to try and get her off to bed. This is a hard job because Lola likes to stay up late"
"Lola likes to stay up coloring... and scribbling.. and sticking... and wriggling.. and bouncing.. and most of all.. chattering..."
"Usually i say.. "Lola, its time for bed".. she says "No! I am not sleepy and I WILL NOT GO TO BED". I say.. " But all the birds have gone to sleep"... She says.. "I am not a bird Charlie"
"But you must be slightly sleepy, Lola".. 
"Lola says.. "I am not slightly sleepy at 6, or 7 or 8, and i am still wide awake at 9, and not at all tired at 10, 11, 12 and i will probably still be perky at even 13 o'clock in the morning". Lola says she never gets tired"

Now.. I'm not going to write the entire book.. but its worth a purchase.. The whole Charlie/Lola is.. and NO, I'm not endorsing it.. i just know that its a good read.. For an adult.. :)
Basically.. the story continues on to Charlie "bribing" Lola, with pink milk for the tigers, shooing whales down the plug hole, a lion eating a tooth brush and dogs wearing pajamas. Oh.. and cant forget the Hippo in Charlies bed. 

My light bulb moment came when i was reading the first few pages. 
1. YES.. its a damned hard job getting L to go to bed.. or do anything at any good time.. He always manages to have some "comeback"..
2. Without his medication.. L will most certinally be up at 13 o'clock or beyond...
3. L loves to bounce and chatter and wriggle and... (Lots of "A" traits going on here..)
4. Most of all.. i was seeing MYSELF.. as Charlie and L as Lola. Its our routine.. I say the same things to him. "Moon has gone to bed" "Birds are sleeping now".. etc etc etc.. blah blah blah.  Every day is Ground Hog Day, with a little bit of fairy dust thrown in to mix to shake things up at times.

And i actually laughed out loud when this hit me! 

I'm not saying Lola IS. I'm just clearly astounded that the first time any type of book, show, movie or anything child related can show such simple yet closely related motives to my Little L. I am yet to see Pepper Pig (Oh god.. Pepper Pig.. :z).. or Charlie Bear have any kind of similarities.. 

Needless to say.. When i finish the book.. I tell L.. "Now Lola has gone to sleep.. its now L's turn... Good Night L.."... 

And sure enough.. not a drama. Not a peep. Not a banging on the locked door, or sliding books under it and out into the lounge room.. or throwing his entire room out his window. (Yes... funny... funny when you have people next door bringing undies and shoes and cars back from their driveway... lol.. he has a great arm on him i have to say.. lol)

I just found this whole thought really intriguing.. Id love to hear others thoughts on this.. See if there are other things that maybe you too have seen in other aspects of life maybe.. Because its not until you have these wonderful special needs in your life, that you too can see the world differently and you can spot other miracles hidden around you..

I'm defiantly going to look into finding and buying the other books in the series.. Not because of these resemblances.. but because I too.. like reading Charlie and Lola.. Its defiantly a rather interesting read.. In more ways then 1. :)

TNT


A xxx

 My little "Small and very Funny..."

This is it... Or is it?

Have you ever wondered how the world came about? Did we really evolve from Apes, or did the world crumble into tiny pieces when the asteroid hit the earth and wiped out all the dinosaurs thousands and thousands of years ago?
Honestly.. no one is ever really going to know.. I know I don't. But I do know this. I am ME.. and I am living in my world. A little A and the Big ME!

My world consists of two tiny humans. My two shiny stars, the sparkle in my eye.. the headaches I sometimes get in the mornings (after Ive woken up to find I am quiet literally a LCM bar, minus the stickiness).. Lachlan and Jesse. They are my world. My everything. And no Ape or Asteroid can ever take that away from me. So a little about my world...

In August 2008 I gave birth to Lachlan by Emergency C-section. Over the next year.. Lachlan didn't quiet develop as a "Normal, Neurotypical" child does and so the process of helping my beautiful one started. On the 9th of December 2010, Lachlan was diagnosed with Autism and Developmental Delay. I thought my world ended that day. Of course I was very wrong. Lachlan was still Lachlan, the bubbly happy, sociable little whirlwind he was.. he just needed a little direction. And I gave him that direction. And i haven't stopped.
My world didn't end that day.. My world had just opened up to this fantastic wonderful opportunity I had no idea about.. I was excited!

Along came Master Jesse in February 2012. A little brother for Lachlan, someone he can share his life with. Brothers for life. Together. They have each other.. and to this very day.. nothing separates them. Jesse is a very gentle soul.. he believes he is older then he really is.. tries very hard to do things he just cant do.. but with a little reassurance he will get there. He adores his older brother.. and I know his older brother adores him just as much if not more.

We had a hiccup in October 2012 when their father walked out on us. It was tough, it was hard.. but the three of us managed and we are survivors. Others dropped out along the way. Each one a lesson to learn from. And learn from we did.
We have had an abundance amount of support from our friends around us, and if it wasn't for them.. things might have been different, but it wasn't to be. And we are here today. A little A (Autism) and Big ME (Mother Earth)!

This is my family. Us! This blog will be somewhere I can come and share about our day to day, month to month, year to year. I have learn't so much about myself, my boys, the world around us.. and id like to share the good the bad and the pretty... ugly.. with you! :)

TNT...

A xxx 

 Lachlan, Jesse and Mummy!