The day/s, weeks and months I had put behind me, the pain and anguish I had to endure and the mess I had to pull the boys out of and get them back on the normality train.. Has just derailed and come crashing to a stop on the side of the dark tunnel I was hoping to see the light at the end of somewhere soon.
Currently, the only light I can see is the one from a broken headlight off the train, reflecting off the wall of the tunnel casting shadows.. Of a figure I never want to see or hear from again. The thing only nightmares are made of.
Yes.. You can say it's mean.. But what's mean is the path the three of us have been put on five and a half months ago. That's mean. BUT... I honestly can't say I'm not happy. I am. It's been hard.. More hard then I ever thought I could ever go through. And I never.. Never ever ever ever want to go through it again. Ever. Full stop. The End.
But I am happy. Things happened in the last five months that I never dreamed would or could ever happen. I have a very large family, not blood related.. Passion related. My Tupperware Family. Without these people in the last five months I would never have found my true self. What I really could be and what I mean to be apart of something and the universe. They were there the night the world crumbled and I stood on stage with my two men and cried. I was being promoted. To a position I worked hard for, my team worked hard for. Never thought I could do it. But my "Family" had faith in me. And it's a faith and friendship I will never forget or leave behind.
I also have an amazing group of friends.. Ones who will stick by me.. And are there, no matter what craziness I throw at them. Two of my closest stayed with me recently. The Dangerfield's. (Yes.. This is their name.. And yes they are super heroes.. Without capes..although I'm sure if required they would develop one of such nature)..
Whilst walking through the shops the other day.. Mrs E said a few heartfelt words to me.. And it drew me to tears. "I admire you."
This is my life I replied. And although its been tough... Think of a "burnt to a crisp steak".. Tougher then that... But we have gotten through. Mrs E and Mr C are the brother and sister I don't have.
There is also Miss L.. Or Miss Moscato is her better name.. She grounds me.. And for that I love her.
Miss S.. Has given me back something lost many years ago. And I'm so glad to have it back again. x
I also have the other wonderful friends that support me. As I do for them, as much as I can. I do feel like a terrible friend at the best of times.. But those that know me, know I have a heart of gold.. And would do anything for anyone.
We have had a huge five months of change.. The boys of changed.. Growing up and the smiles grow wider each day. L is now officially a NRL Football Player (God I'm so proud.. stuff you special needs.. My boy can do anything).. He also toilet trained himself!
J is talking more, becoming his own little person.. Growing up and one day soon hopefully walking. But my boys are loved by me and by everyone. And that's all they need. Love.
So even though its been tough.. The positive most defiantly out way the negatives. And even though I have been sitting here in my room crying my eyes out having to go through old information and diaries of a life that was.. Come tomorrow.. Life will change again. I will pick myself up and show the shadow I'm not afraid.. And I haven't been for a long time.. But not being afraid doesn't mean I no longer have feelings. Because my feelings hurt.. But the love and support around me give me more then the shadow ever did or thought it took.
Bring it on!
TNT
A xxxx
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